So, I really want to feel better. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be lost and hurt. I dont' want to be mad at people when they laugh and act like everything is okay. This morning, all I could say was "God help me" over and over again. When people don't say anything to me, especially those that are close to me, I feel as if they don't care, and then the one's that aren't really close try to say they are sorry, and all I can do is collapse in tears.
When does the pain stop? When will the feelings diminish? Jake and I were talking, and really I KNOW everything I am supposed to think and feel. I know I am supposed to put my faith in God, and rely on him, but I am human. I still have all those human feelings that make me hurt like I have never hurt before. I pray so hard to get through this but often I feel I am facing a brick wall. I think about our baby's soul, and picture her in heaven. I have read over and over bible verse after verse. And each one lets me know how to feel I just want to feel that way. I am not certain if any of this makes sense. But if you want an idea read this .
I imagined the life of our baby to come for two and half weeks verses a day. I am not certain that it really matters. But, I looked for daycare for my baby. I laughed while co-workers planned a baby shower in the spring. Jake and I talked about names for our baby if boy or girl. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my little one growing inside me.I talked to Benjamin about his baby brother or sister. I planned my leave from work based on my due date. I told everyone and anyone about our baby to come. I imagined Bean playing with her big brother and them causing trouble. I imagined my birth with this one, and Jake sitting next to me again holding our miracle while I lay in the hospital bed smiling.
I know there are phases of this mourning. I would point my finger at a combination of two stages right now, Volatile and Lonliness.
I have no idea what I would do without Jake right now. He has been my stronghold, my sweetheart, my shoulder to cry on. He may not understand quite why I feel the way I feel, but he knows that I hurt. And I couldn't ask for anything more from him right now. So for now I can only say over and over that God truly has everything under control, and his plans are not always mine, but put faith in him that this too shall pass. He will pull us through and WE will be okay.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Six Weeks, Two Days
I am not certain if this is too early to write about, but then again I am not really certain how else I can help my emotions. It may be too personal also, but I don't really care. It is also one easier way to let some of my readers know without one more person ask how I am feeling, and ask me when I am due. Each time that is asked a part of me crumbles inside.
Bean you were about a 1/4 of an inch long this week, about the size of a lentil bean. Quite ironic. You were six weeks and two days old in my womb. Your ears, eyes, nose and mouth were forming. Your heart began to beat between 100 to 160 beats per minutes. Your blood begins to pump and course through your body. Your arms and legs are beginning to grow and take shape. Your brain, muscles, and bones were all growing. You are one of the many reasons, but most important reasons I feel pro-life.
I never got to feel you move or rock n roll inside, but I knew you were there, growing inside my tummy. A mother can only explain a feeling of life inside you. It is a truly amazing experience God has granted women. I feel blessed twice.
Everyone knows your story and how excited we were to have number two on the way, without even having to try. God decided for us. From the moment I found out, I prayed God would take care of us. Jake, Ben, and I prayed together everynight to have a healthy baby Bean.
People say that miscarriages are God's way of taking care of a child that may not be healthy or God does not want the child to suffer in the life ahead. We lost you on Friday. The moment I realized what was happening I cried, and couldn't stop crying. I was told to rush to the Hosptital for an Ultrasound at 11:30am. As I lay there for 20 some minutes, Jake holding my hand, the Ultrasonagrapher said nothing. She was checking each ovary, vessel, and part of my uterus. I could not see the screen, and Jake said he couldn't really tell anything by what he saw. After two hours of waiting, the on-call doctor came to us sitting in the waiting room. He sat beside us to tell us that their was not a normal pregnancy taking place in my womb, and there was no longer a baby in my womb. I tried to listen as he spoke, but it was all a jumble of words. Three possibilites: I had already miscarried, I was earlier along than I thought, therefore they couldn't see the baby yet, or I had an ectopic pregancy. The second theory was a slight hope but deep inside I knew what was happening. The longer I sat, the more I cramped, and my stomach and back ached. My head had been pounding since early that morning and seemed to double in pain as we sat there. He asked me to take a blood test to be certain, and see what level my pregnacy hormones were.
Everything was mostly a blur after that. I remember walking down the hallway of the hospital toward the exit, Jake and I both crying. Some sort of meeting was letting out close to the elevator doors. As we walked by, I didn't care about hiding my tears, and I looked at those people smiling and laughing, and I hated them. I hated them for who knows what reason, but all I wanted was Jake to hold me and I dissappear. We got to the car, and I lost it. We stood in the parking lot of the hospital, and cried in each other's arms.
As we headed home, I called my Mom, and she said she would be at the house as soon as possible. Jessica was watching Ben at the house. Jake was actually home with Ben for the day, and had Jessica come over when he got my call that I was headed to the hospital. I proceeded to call my boss, and let her know I wouldn't be in. She was extremely caring and kept asking if she could do anything. I know that everyone was trying to be nice, but NO, there wasn't anything anyone could do to make this better. We lost our baby. I was no longer due May 7, 2008. Ben would not be 22 months apart from his sibling. I would not be finding out the sex of our baby in December. I would not be holding my precious baby in 8.5 months.
At home, the doctor called at 5pm to confirm, I had lost the baby, and my blood tests showed those results. He said to take it easy, call him for anything, and it may be 12-24 hours before physically, I would feel better. Jake held me as I talked to him, and I asked how long before we would be able to start trying again, and he said four to six weeks, after one normal cycle. Jake held me and let me know everything would be okay, we have only taken a few steps back and would get through this. This may be the longest 4 to 6 weeks ahead, or who knows it may be longer. Friday night was horrible, physically my body was still miscarrying the baby, and I will not go into any detail. The cramps doubled me in pain, and as each one went by, it reminded me of what was happening, and made the emotional pain that much worse.
I feel selfish, I feel this was all my fault, I feel I did something wrong in the pregancy to lose you. I feel empty, alone, and depressed. Depressed people sleep because they don't feel, and sleep is all I have wanted to do this weekend. We got out Saturday morning for a few hours, and of course saw a person I worked with, with her daughter almost 9 months pregnant congratulating me. I can't handle it and we have to walk away. I have never felt this before. I can't stand to be by myself and find myself wanting Jake to be at my side constantly. I am better than Friday of course, but time will heal.
Why did this happen, Why GOD? I ask why over and over. I get mad, and then sad. I have cried more in the last three days than I feel I ever have in my life. I fear going to work tomorrow. I don't want to go and have to answer people about what happened. That same morning two of the girls from work were talking and excited about a baby shower for Bean in the spring. How do I face them?
My sister n law Crystal, was the first person I spoke to when it happened. She had previously lost her little angel just 20 weeks ago. She sent me this in an email, I read it later Friday night:
"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that they waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalms 107:28-30
One thing is for certain, I could not have handled any of this if I didn't have God in my life. I understand he has plans for us, that I won't ever know, but I am along for the ride. God is my savior and he will care for our family. He will get us through this, and lead us to another new beginning. I am going to ache, but that will be part of my mourning. I just wish the lost feelings would diminish quicker than they are. Benjamin helps me a lot. He reminds me of how truly blessed Jake and I have been. He is a joy in our lives that makes a lot of pain in life seem nothing. So thank you God again for him!
I read that 1 in 50 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I don't know that another woman can understand the pain unless it happens to them.
Time will heal our family and we will be okay, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
God Bless our angel Bean in heaven.
Bean you were about a 1/4 of an inch long this week, about the size of a lentil bean. Quite ironic. You were six weeks and two days old in my womb. Your ears, eyes, nose and mouth were forming. Your heart began to beat between 100 to 160 beats per minutes. Your blood begins to pump and course through your body. Your arms and legs are beginning to grow and take shape. Your brain, muscles, and bones were all growing. You are one of the many reasons, but most important reasons I feel pro-life.
I never got to feel you move or rock n roll inside, but I knew you were there, growing inside my tummy. A mother can only explain a feeling of life inside you. It is a truly amazing experience God has granted women. I feel blessed twice.
Everyone knows your story and how excited we were to have number two on the way, without even having to try. God decided for us. From the moment I found out, I prayed God would take care of us. Jake, Ben, and I prayed together everynight to have a healthy baby Bean.
People say that miscarriages are God's way of taking care of a child that may not be healthy or God does not want the child to suffer in the life ahead. We lost you on Friday. The moment I realized what was happening I cried, and couldn't stop crying. I was told to rush to the Hosptital for an Ultrasound at 11:30am. As I lay there for 20 some minutes, Jake holding my hand, the Ultrasonagrapher said nothing. She was checking each ovary, vessel, and part of my uterus. I could not see the screen, and Jake said he couldn't really tell anything by what he saw. After two hours of waiting, the on-call doctor came to us sitting in the waiting room. He sat beside us to tell us that their was not a normal pregnancy taking place in my womb, and there was no longer a baby in my womb. I tried to listen as he spoke, but it was all a jumble of words. Three possibilites: I had already miscarried, I was earlier along than I thought, therefore they couldn't see the baby yet, or I had an ectopic pregancy. The second theory was a slight hope but deep inside I knew what was happening. The longer I sat, the more I cramped, and my stomach and back ached. My head had been pounding since early that morning and seemed to double in pain as we sat there. He asked me to take a blood test to be certain, and see what level my pregnacy hormones were.
Everything was mostly a blur after that. I remember walking down the hallway of the hospital toward the exit, Jake and I both crying. Some sort of meeting was letting out close to the elevator doors. As we walked by, I didn't care about hiding my tears, and I looked at those people smiling and laughing, and I hated them. I hated them for who knows what reason, but all I wanted was Jake to hold me and I dissappear. We got to the car, and I lost it. We stood in the parking lot of the hospital, and cried in each other's arms.
As we headed home, I called my Mom, and she said she would be at the house as soon as possible. Jessica was watching Ben at the house. Jake was actually home with Ben for the day, and had Jessica come over when he got my call that I was headed to the hospital. I proceeded to call my boss, and let her know I wouldn't be in. She was extremely caring and kept asking if she could do anything. I know that everyone was trying to be nice, but NO, there wasn't anything anyone could do to make this better. We lost our baby. I was no longer due May 7, 2008. Ben would not be 22 months apart from his sibling. I would not be finding out the sex of our baby in December. I would not be holding my precious baby in 8.5 months.
At home, the doctor called at 5pm to confirm, I had lost the baby, and my blood tests showed those results. He said to take it easy, call him for anything, and it may be 12-24 hours before physically, I would feel better. Jake held me as I talked to him, and I asked how long before we would be able to start trying again, and he said four to six weeks, after one normal cycle. Jake held me and let me know everything would be okay, we have only taken a few steps back and would get through this. This may be the longest 4 to 6 weeks ahead, or who knows it may be longer. Friday night was horrible, physically my body was still miscarrying the baby, and I will not go into any detail. The cramps doubled me in pain, and as each one went by, it reminded me of what was happening, and made the emotional pain that much worse.
I feel selfish, I feel this was all my fault, I feel I did something wrong in the pregancy to lose you. I feel empty, alone, and depressed. Depressed people sleep because they don't feel, and sleep is all I have wanted to do this weekend. We got out Saturday morning for a few hours, and of course saw a person I worked with, with her daughter almost 9 months pregnant congratulating me. I can't handle it and we have to walk away. I have never felt this before. I can't stand to be by myself and find myself wanting Jake to be at my side constantly. I am better than Friday of course, but time will heal.
Why did this happen, Why GOD? I ask why over and over. I get mad, and then sad. I have cried more in the last three days than I feel I ever have in my life. I fear going to work tomorrow. I don't want to go and have to answer people about what happened. That same morning two of the girls from work were talking and excited about a baby shower for Bean in the spring. How do I face them?
My sister n law Crystal, was the first person I spoke to when it happened. She had previously lost her little angel just 20 weeks ago. She sent me this in an email, I read it later Friday night:
"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that they waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalms 107:28-30
One thing is for certain, I could not have handled any of this if I didn't have God in my life. I understand he has plans for us, that I won't ever know, but I am along for the ride. God is my savior and he will care for our family. He will get us through this, and lead us to another new beginning. I am going to ache, but that will be part of my mourning. I just wish the lost feelings would diminish quicker than they are. Benjamin helps me a lot. He reminds me of how truly blessed Jake and I have been. He is a joy in our lives that makes a lot of pain in life seem nothing. So thank you God again for him!
I read that 1 in 50 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I don't know that another woman can understand the pain unless it happens to them.
Time will heal our family and we will be okay, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
God Bless our angel Bean in heaven.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Obsessive Compulsive Planner or Hormones?
Not quite certain if I have become OCD over this planning for daycare thing or if my preggo hormones have already made me crazy. Yesterday, I found out that possibly Ben's daycare isn't going to have an opening for Bean! Very upsetting!!
Then, I watched a movie last night called, "Then She Found Me." I have to say Helen Hunt is truly amazing. I have always loved her in all her movies, but this one made the tears shed and shed some more. Not quite certain it is a great movie for a woman to watch so early in her pregnancy, but it had a great ending and really makes you think. Our plans aren't always God's plans. And,after crying uncontrollably when it was over, I thought, MAMA MIA, you are crazy!
So,after calling 7 different daycares, to hear they have no openings till Mid 2010 is quite disappointing, and makes me somewhat Frantic. I have an open opportunity(Small window)on one gal that lives right down the street from us in the town we live in that possibly may be able to take Ben and Bean. I mean, I CAN'T seperate them. NO WAY! So, pretty sure I am a spaz, but finding open daycare facilities is truly cut throat work. You are either in or your out. Then, you have to find someone that you can trust your treasures of life with. That sends me chills to imagine all the horror stories of other daycare centers happening to my child. OH MY!
So, either Mama's mind is going OCD crazy to plan what is going to happen about a year down the road, or my hormones are making me a little nutso. OR WORSE, BOTH!! haha
Wish me luck!
Then, I watched a movie last night called, "Then She Found Me." I have to say Helen Hunt is truly amazing. I have always loved her in all her movies, but this one made the tears shed and shed some more. Not quite certain it is a great movie for a woman to watch so early in her pregnancy, but it had a great ending and really makes you think. Our plans aren't always God's plans. And,after crying uncontrollably when it was over, I thought, MAMA MIA, you are crazy!
So,after calling 7 different daycares, to hear they have no openings till Mid 2010 is quite disappointing, and makes me somewhat Frantic. I have an open opportunity(Small window)on one gal that lives right down the street from us in the town we live in that possibly may be able to take Ben and Bean. I mean, I CAN'T seperate them. NO WAY! So, pretty sure I am a spaz, but finding open daycare facilities is truly cut throat work. You are either in or your out. Then, you have to find someone that you can trust your treasures of life with. That sends me chills to imagine all the horror stories of other daycare centers happening to my child. OH MY!
So, either Mama's mind is going OCD crazy to plan what is going to happen about a year down the road, or my hormones are making me a little nutso. OR WORSE, BOTH!! haha
Wish me luck!
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