When does it cease?

So, I really want to feel better. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be lost and hurt. I dont' want to be mad at people when they laugh and act like everything is okay. This morning, all I could say was "God help me" over and over again. When people don't say anything to me, especially those that are close to me, I feel as if they don't care, and then the one's that aren't really close try to say they are sorry, and all I can do is collapse in tears.

When does the pain stop? When will the feelings diminish? Jake and I were talking, and really I KNOW everything I am supposed to think and feel. I know I am supposed to put my faith in God, and rely on him, but I am human. I still have all those human feelings that make me hurt like I have never hurt before. I pray so hard to get through this but often I feel I am facing a brick wall. I think about our baby's soul, and picture her in heaven. I have read over and over bible verse after verse. And each one lets me know how to feel I just want to feel that way. I am not certain if any of this makes sense. But if you want an idea read this .

I imagined the life of our baby to come for two and half weeks verses a day. I am not certain that it really matters. But, I looked for daycare for my baby. I laughed while co-workers planned a baby shower in the spring. Jake and I talked about names for our baby if boy or girl. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my little one growing inside me.I talked to Benjamin about his baby brother or sister. I planned my leave from work based on my due date. I told everyone and anyone about our baby to come. I imagined Bean playing with her big brother and them causing trouble. I imagined my birth with this one, and Jake sitting next to me again holding our miracle while I lay in the hospital bed smiling.
I know there are phases of this mourning. I would point my finger at a combination of two stages right now, Volatile and Lonliness.

I have no idea what I would do without Jake right now. He has been my stronghold, my sweetheart, my shoulder to cry on. He may not understand quite why I feel the way I feel, but he knows that I hurt. And I couldn't ask for anything more from him right now. So for now I can only say over and over that God truly has everything under control, and his plans are not always mine, but put faith in him that this too shall pass. He will pull us through and WE will be okay.