B-man

Talkative Benjamin. He jabbers all day long. Not quite sure what he is saying but he sure does. Looks at me with the most serious face, and tells me and points. I just say, "oh ya, Is that right?"

He is so smart. He will tell us now how old he is and puts his one little index finger in the air, and sounds to us like , "un" My Mom says he is going to be like me and just start saying complete sentance's one day. His absolute favorite thing to do is push things around the house on the floor, whether it be the laundrey basket, a plastic tupperware container, a block, a book, his toy rocking cow, or his toy lion.

He has a curiosity trait that reminds me most of the Holee Men. For example Papa Doug and Jake. He often tries to take things apart, sit on things, or just look at things in the most curious way. He is drilling up ideas in his head, and by the look on his face I would like to jump in that little mind of his, and find out what he is thinking.

He has become quite the balancing act as he climbs on top of his lion, and stands with arms spread out. This is an accident waiting to happen.


He loves playing at the park, and is infatuated with slides.



I just thought this was a good shot of him in the evening sun. He is such a handsome little guy.


Ben is an absolute joy. He plays by himself all the time now, and I am amazed. His true best friend is Mugsy. He gives Mugsy as many open mouth kisses as Mugsy gives to him.

I want to say quickly I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. I can really tell that God is working through so many of my friends and family in being so supportive. I am amazed sometimes of the love that people show for others, and it makes me want to be a better person. I would also like to say how much Jake and I have grown from a very sad experience in our lives. He has been somewhat of a superhero to me. When he hugs and holds me in my sad times, it's like he wants to absorb all the pain I have felt, and take it away from me. My brother recently asked me if I could have any superpower in the world, and I decided that is what it would be. I would be able to take away any physical or emotional pain that a loved one feels. How handy would that have been when Benjamin burnt his hand on the oven door.

So tell me, if you could have any super power, what would it be?

My Awesome brother Jason and his wife, Crystal have been incredible also. So props to you guys. And one more props to Mr. Benjamin. He has given to us so much in such a hard time. He will probably never realize, but I only hope that one day he realizes even as a child how much he has allowed Jake and I to grow as adults.

Happy Fall Weather to everyone!

A little Soul

I asked my friend who had also miscarried her baby- if she ever feels as if she now has a little soul in heaven watching over her, cuz that is kind of what I feel and it is comforting.

She responded with, "every day" like when she sees a butterfly or her daughter, Ava points to something and there is nothing there.

My watergates open when I read her response, but it is one more reminder that God is working really hard through my family and friends to take care of me.

So thank you everyone for all your support. Some of you may not know how much you help me.

When does it cease?

So, I really want to feel better. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be lost and hurt. I dont' want to be mad at people when they laugh and act like everything is okay. This morning, all I could say was "God help me" over and over again. When people don't say anything to me, especially those that are close to me, I feel as if they don't care, and then the one's that aren't really close try to say they are sorry, and all I can do is collapse in tears.

When does the pain stop? When will the feelings diminish? Jake and I were talking, and really I KNOW everything I am supposed to think and feel. I know I am supposed to put my faith in God, and rely on him, but I am human. I still have all those human feelings that make me hurt like I have never hurt before. I pray so hard to get through this but often I feel I am facing a brick wall. I think about our baby's soul, and picture her in heaven. I have read over and over bible verse after verse. And each one lets me know how to feel I just want to feel that way. I am not certain if any of this makes sense. But if you want an idea read this .

I imagined the life of our baby to come for two and half weeks verses a day. I am not certain that it really matters. But, I looked for daycare for my baby. I laughed while co-workers planned a baby shower in the spring. Jake and I talked about names for our baby if boy or girl. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my little one growing inside me.I talked to Benjamin about his baby brother or sister. I planned my leave from work based on my due date. I told everyone and anyone about our baby to come. I imagined Bean playing with her big brother and them causing trouble. I imagined my birth with this one, and Jake sitting next to me again holding our miracle while I lay in the hospital bed smiling.
I know there are phases of this mourning. I would point my finger at a combination of two stages right now, Volatile and Lonliness.

I have no idea what I would do without Jake right now. He has been my stronghold, my sweetheart, my shoulder to cry on. He may not understand quite why I feel the way I feel, but he knows that I hurt. And I couldn't ask for anything more from him right now. So for now I can only say over and over that God truly has everything under control, and his plans are not always mine, but put faith in him that this too shall pass. He will pull us through and WE will be okay.

Six Weeks, Two Days

I am not certain if this is too early to write about, but then again I am not really certain how else I can help my emotions. It may be too personal also, but I don't really care. It is also one easier way to let some of my readers know without one more person ask how I am feeling, and ask me when I am due. Each time that is asked a part of me crumbles inside.

Bean you were about a 1/4 of an inch long this week, about the size of a lentil bean. Quite ironic. You were six weeks and two days old in my womb. Your ears, eyes, nose and mouth were forming. Your heart began to beat between 100 to 160 beats per minutes. Your blood begins to pump and course through your body. Your arms and legs are beginning to grow and take shape. Your brain, muscles, and bones were all growing. You are one of the many reasons, but most important reasons I feel pro-life.

I never got to feel you move or rock n roll inside, but I knew you were there, growing inside my tummy. A mother can only explain a feeling of life inside you. It is a truly amazing experience God has granted women. I feel blessed twice.

Everyone knows your story and how excited we were to have number two on the way, without even having to try. God decided for us. From the moment I found out, I prayed God would take care of us. Jake, Ben, and I prayed together everynight to have a healthy baby Bean.

People say that miscarriages are God's way of taking care of a child that may not be healthy or God does not want the child to suffer in the life ahead. We lost you on Friday. The moment I realized what was happening I cried, and couldn't stop crying. I was told to rush to the Hosptital for an Ultrasound at 11:30am. As I lay there for 20 some minutes, Jake holding my hand, the Ultrasonagrapher said nothing. She was checking each ovary, vessel, and part of my uterus. I could not see the screen, and Jake said he couldn't really tell anything by what he saw. After two hours of waiting, the on-call doctor came to us sitting in the waiting room. He sat beside us to tell us that their was not a normal pregnancy taking place in my womb, and there was no longer a baby in my womb. I tried to listen as he spoke, but it was all a jumble of words. Three possibilites: I had already miscarried, I was earlier along than I thought, therefore they couldn't see the baby yet, or I had an ectopic pregancy. The second theory was a slight hope but deep inside I knew what was happening. The longer I sat, the more I cramped, and my stomach and back ached. My head had been pounding since early that morning and seemed to double in pain as we sat there. He asked me to take a blood test to be certain, and see what level my pregnacy hormones were.

Everything was mostly a blur after that. I remember walking down the hallway of the hospital toward the exit, Jake and I both crying. Some sort of meeting was letting out close to the elevator doors. As we walked by, I didn't care about hiding my tears, and I looked at those people smiling and laughing, and I hated them. I hated them for who knows what reason, but all I wanted was Jake to hold me and I dissappear. We got to the car, and I lost it. We stood in the parking lot of the hospital, and cried in each other's arms.

As we headed home, I called my Mom, and she said she would be at the house as soon as possible. Jessica was watching Ben at the house. Jake was actually home with Ben for the day, and had Jessica come over when he got my call that I was headed to the hospital. I proceeded to call my boss, and let her know I wouldn't be in. She was extremely caring and kept asking if she could do anything. I know that everyone was trying to be nice, but NO, there wasn't anything anyone could do to make this better. We lost our baby. I was no longer due May 7, 2008. Ben would not be 22 months apart from his sibling. I would not be finding out the sex of our baby in December. I would not be holding my precious baby in 8.5 months.

At home, the doctor called at 5pm to confirm, I had lost the baby, and my blood tests showed those results. He said to take it easy, call him for anything, and it may be 12-24 hours before physically, I would feel better. Jake held me as I talked to him, and I asked how long before we would be able to start trying again, and he said four to six weeks, after one normal cycle. Jake held me and let me know everything would be okay, we have only taken a few steps back and would get through this. This may be the longest 4 to 6 weeks ahead, or who knows it may be longer. Friday night was horrible, physically my body was still miscarrying the baby, and I will not go into any detail. The cramps doubled me in pain, and as each one went by, it reminded me of what was happening, and made the emotional pain that much worse.

I feel selfish, I feel this was all my fault, I feel I did something wrong in the pregancy to lose you. I feel empty, alone, and depressed. Depressed people sleep because they don't feel, and sleep is all I have wanted to do this weekend. We got out Saturday morning for a few hours, and of course saw a person I worked with, with her daughter almost 9 months pregnant congratulating me. I can't handle it and we have to walk away. I have never felt this before. I can't stand to be by myself and find myself wanting Jake to be at my side constantly. I am better than Friday of course, but time will heal.

Why did this happen, Why GOD? I ask why over and over. I get mad, and then sad. I have cried more in the last three days than I feel I ever have in my life. I fear going to work tomorrow. I don't want to go and have to answer people about what happened. That same morning two of the girls from work were talking and excited about a baby shower for Bean in the spring. How do I face them?

My sister n law Crystal, was the first person I spoke to when it happened. She had previously lost her little angel just 20 weeks ago. She sent me this in an email, I read it later Friday night:

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that they waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalms 107:28-30

One thing is for certain, I could not have handled any of this if I didn't have God in my life. I understand he has plans for us, that I won't ever know, but I am along for the ride. God is my savior and he will care for our family. He will get us through this, and lead us to another new beginning. I am going to ache, but that will be part of my mourning. I just wish the lost feelings would diminish quicker than they are. Benjamin helps me a lot. He reminds me of how truly blessed Jake and I have been. He is a joy in our lives that makes a lot of pain in life seem nothing. So thank you God again for him!

I read that 1 in 50 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I don't know that another woman can understand the pain unless it happens to them.

Time will heal our family and we will be okay, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

God Bless our angel Bean in heaven.

Bean is a sesame seed

Reading about the devolpment at five weeks is pretty amazing. My body is working overtime to get this baby devolping. The brain is the big works this week along with the spinal chord. Two very important parts of the body, I might add. The umbulical chord is doing its work along with the placenta. So crazy to think all of these things are going on in my body. Folic acid is a very important supplement to be taking even when you are trying to get pregnant. This helps prevent neural tube defects and spina bifida in Bean. So, really odd that I started taking it right after my annual check up about 4 weeks ago. God was looking out. Anyhow, some major babymaking going on which will only continue for the next 9 months, but I am up for the job. Babycenter.com compared him to the size of a sesame seed and kind of looking like a tadpole. No BD. You'll grow out of that phase kiddo.

Ben got a shirt that says......

On August 28th, actually my best friends birthday, I decided to buy three pregnancy tests at Dollar General(Ladies, they are only a dollar!) to prepare for the months of ahead when Jake and I planned on trying for another baby. I decided to use one, knowing that I was supposed to have my monthly friend come any day. Figured I would use this one, and still have two left for the future months. I did have a very weird feeling before taking it. Ya know all the "what if's" go over and over in my head, but I was assured I was not pregnant yet. We weren't even trying, and that would be too easy. With Ben we tried for four months.

Well, God decided it was time. He had other plans than Jake and I. So, I took the test at work. After a minute it looked negative, I sighed not really happy or sad, but figured it to be negative anyways. I went to lunch and came back. I decided maybe I should look at the results one more time, JUST in case. Remembering with Ben it took several minutes for the first test to show postitive. Well, low and behold, TWO lines and a positive test. My heart at that moment leaped into my chest. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment. Tears came to my eyes. I immediately said a prayer. It was like instinct. Dear God protect this baby inside me, and help it to grow healthy and strong. I even think I called "him" baby bean in that first hour, so I am pretty sure this will be the nickname from here on out. The tears were of anxiety, excitedness, and yes, Scared! Ben and baby bean were going to be less than two years apart. OH MY! How could I handle that?

I called Jake once I gathered myself together. I said, I am sending you a text, and DON'T say anything when you get it. He was at work at the fire station. He says, "uh okay". He could tell the anxiousness in my voice, and knew something was up. I send the picture of the positive test, and he texts back...."Hmmmmmm" --Pretty certain I caught him by surprise. But, I won't lie, I really 'wanted' more than that! A few minutes later he texts me to say, "i have axious and scared feelings." Right here in the same boat, hon. haha. Well, he was at work busy, and couldn't really say much. We were both pretty blown away.

I sat at my desk for several minutes looking on in a daze. I figured it would be about the end of May our little one would come. Looked at the "ovulation calendar" wondering How I messed up on my "days". Then went straight to the Baby Develpment Calendar on baby center.com to see exactly where bean was at in development. Just in cellular division and implantation.. Really only two weeks/maybe three I guess, from conception day. I really don't know.

WOW! Reminding myself, I am pregnant. And, I actually took five tests just to make certain. ha!

The next thought is, "Ben is going to have a brother." As I was taking the test, I was thinking a girl, but as soon as I knew it was positive, I 'felt' boy! So we shall see. Every single waking/sleeping moment I remind myself, "Baby" which puts me on my health track. Back to all my multi-vitamins with Essential Fatty Acids, Calcium, Iron, and Folic Acid. And the wonderful soy protein shakes I have been drinking every morning since Friday. My first thought was wait till the end of the month to let everyone know. Each minute that passed, I was so anxious to share the wonderful news.

So, Sunday after Church we went over to Grandma and Papa K's house with Ben wearing a shirt that says, "Big Brother." Took them both a second. My Dad saw it first, and paused then said Congratulations, and put a blessing on my forehead. Ben had just awaken from a nap and had his clueless, tired, leave me alone, look on his face. But the shirt said the rest. Ha. Mom was coming up the steps, and we were standing at the top. I said, look at Ben's new shirt. She looked and said the words then screamed in excitement. Gave me a big hug and then Jake too.

Uncle Charlie kept saying to Ben, "aren't you excited to have a big brother" Even he thinks he is going to have another nephew.

We had just talked a couple hours before about switching out bunkbeds with Mom and Dad for a queen bed that we have at home....when a new baby comes.... Mom quickly reminded me saying, I guess you are gonna need those bunkbeds sooner than you thought. HA!

There is always the fear of being able to afford a new baby and it's coming. By the fifth day when I wrote this, I was filled with the uptmost excitement and still am. Ben, my sister Katie and I went for a morning walk last weekend on labor day, and I could barely hold my excitement in.

I had a friend(Jesse) explain the love for a child once to me before I ever had Benjamin. And another friend(Lori) talked in her blog about the future and how a person could have love for TWO children. I always wondered the same after having Ben. How could I share this love I have for Benjamin? As soon as the moment I was pregnant, and as a natural feeling as ever, it was like my love multiplied. I felt as though I would explode with all these feelings and love I felt.

Ben is going to be in for quite the surprise, but he is really going to be such a good big brother! It may still be sinking in for Jake, but pretty sure it is going to hit him like a bull-dozer at birth, just like it did with Ben. Both of us broke down almost collapsing the first time we saw each other in the hospital room alone after Ben was delivered. I remember Jake didn't want to leave our sides. He went home the second night we were at the hospital, and said he couldn't sleep, and was up all night. Thinking about getting back to us. Waiting for the alarm to go off so he could leave for the hospital. If I remember correctly, he ran several errands before getting back in our room and was there at 7am.

We have created two miracles together. God has given us this chance. I want nothing more than another healthy baby. God take care of us.

As I sat and wrote this, Benjamin was napping, and I remember wondering. How did this happen? WELLL....... haha! We know how this happened, but really why are we so blessed. I have never been more thankful in my life, and am overwhelmed. I already have felt this pregnancy is a little different. I don't remember feeling so bloated or aloof, or in awe. But I am pretty sure I was. I guess you really do forget a lot of things. It feels like yesterday I was pregnant with Ben, but it was 14 months ago.. They are going to be 14 months apart. Crazy! Soooo much more to write in time...............

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.