My Beef

Did you really think I would go 7 days without my husband and not lose it. Well, this morning the "butterfly poop" hit the fan. That is my every effort of not using another word that crossed my mind.

This is one of my flaws. Doing good, doing good, doing good.................AND CRASH!!!!! Yes, we had a great past several days. Lots of time with my kids. Working full time mother, a three year old, a one year old. Let's just run the events of my morning.

It started at about 2am: Ben climbs in bed with me. Ask him if he needs to go potty. He wines and cries, pleading that I don't make him go. Fine. You know what I am tired, and the other thing is, Yes, I KNOW I am not supposed to have my child sleep with me. But you know what, I am too flippin, spankin tired to get up every night to walk him back to bed. There it is. I don't know if it will ever be fixed. And as of right now, I don't see it happening anytime soon. 4am: Jonna awakes. She is teething, and not the happiest camper. She prefers to be snuggled up close to her Mother, and then will fall back asleep. 4:30am: Put Jonna back to bed. 5:25am: My alarm rings in my ear. Snooze. 5:32 alarm rings again. Snooze. 5:39. I get up. Prepare kids snack and breakfast. Coffee. Vitamins. Shower. 6:07am. Get Ben up. He cries because he is cold, and the light hurts his eyes. He grunts. I leave him and head for Jonna's room. She is probably the easiest to get ready in the morning. She just lays their and smiles, as I change her and get her dressed. Ben is whining in the background. I go back to the room. Any parent knows, this is tip toe time. Do whatever I can, not to make the tantrum worse, so I can Please, please, please get out the door on time, without, spankins, holding him down in car seat, timeouts. I have learned the hard way to just try to stay calm and patient so as not to create screams from him and/or me. Finally he is dressed. Feed Mugsy. Take the Trash out. Put Ben and Jonna's shoes on for the second time. Load the kids in the car. Run back inside to make sure coffee pot is off, and my flat iron is off. Spray some perfume on me. Run back out to car, and WE ARE OFF! 6:42am Quiet ride in. Saying my daily prayers. Talking to Benjamin. Everything is going great.

Until, we go to drop Jonna off. Ben's shoe doesn't feel right, so he is literally hanging his head out the van door laying on the ground screaming bloody murder, while I go to walk Jonna inside the house. I hear him screaming inside the house. He is waking up their entire neighborhood. Nice. I kind of smile, and just shake my head. Kisses to Jonna. Back outside. Child still screaming. Ok....Re-do shoe. Tell him if he doesn't sit in the car seat and put seatbelt on, the police are going to come and get him. Sorry, any policemen out there, but sometimes I do what I have to.

Go to school. Ben rips shoes off again. I put them back on, and grab him kicking and screaming to carry him in the school. The teacher is so kind to take him, and reassure me it's okay, and to go. Oh thank heaven for an awesome teacher.

Well, I cry on my way to work. 7:25 am. Wouldn't be the first time.

So, this is one thing that I AM NOT PERFECT about or even close. I really know I need to work on this. But sometimes, it is really hard to absorb my husband's job. As I cuss at myself and the day, I can't help but resent that my husband has not been around for the last several days. Yes, it is because of work, 24 hours shift, and his part time gig. But UGH! He is a fireman, and as he says he is paid for what he is trained to do. That's right, if there is a burning car, and person is stuck inside, he will cut them out. He will try to revive them when they may be long gone, with no heart rate. He has seen people die. Young and old. He has answered a call on a child with SIDS. He will come to the rescue whether fire, lightning strikes, car wreck, an elderly person falls down and breaks a hip, or just if a fire alarm goes off. When he is not doing these things or training for them, he is at the fire house, taking care of himself. Which means, he doesn't need to prepare dinner for the two kids after a long 9 hour day. He may sit back, eat his food, and watch tv till he feels like going to sleep. He will only have to get up if he gets a fire call. He will go to sleep that night without having to bathe two kids, put pj's on,brush their teeth, lay out their clothes, and put them to bed. I am jealous of this. I have gotten up with the kids and put them to bed the last five days, by myself. Fed them, bathed them, read to them, sang to them, cleaned up their poop, comforted them when they cry. You name it. I don't even know where my mind has been, because I have not had the time to think about myself. It is overwhelming. I didn't sign up to be a single mother. But that is the hard part. The fact that I have a loving husband who just isn't home, so I pick up the slack...gets to me. I think this is where my "needy wife" characteristic comes in. I want to be praised for being a good mother by my husband. I want to feel loved, needed, and admired. I want to feel hot! LOL. I mean I know this is our life. This is the way it is going to be till we retire, so let's make the best of it right? That is easier said than done!

I got dressed this morning, and you know when you look awesome, you feel aweseome. Well, I had to practice that rule this morning. I knew it was gonna be a rough one.

So, there is my beef. I should have put a big fat WARNING on the beginning of it. Ha.

I told my boss this morning, well at least no one is sick or hurt, they are just onry. So, on that note, I am thankful.